I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize