Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
