so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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