I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Randomize
