I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Randomize