I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
