YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
