If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize