Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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