She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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