Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
