For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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