i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
So much Jack, so little girl.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
