i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
