if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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