So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
