that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize