Can i not drive my cunt home
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
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