the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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