So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
