I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
