So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
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