if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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