I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Randomize
