Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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