I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
