do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize