Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
