I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
