what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
