Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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