Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
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