please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
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