Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
