I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
