oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We had sex on a dog bed..
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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