Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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