You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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