you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
