fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
