Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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