first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
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