She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Randomize
