Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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