that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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