I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
