this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
