my room smells like sperm. sweet.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
