Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
