Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
