I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
