your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
