Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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