those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize