The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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