Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
