Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
