I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
