I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
