I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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