One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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