I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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