It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
