It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
